But even then, because of my body type I never -truly- believed -I- myself could show the world my tail.  I figured -surely- they'd never want "someone like me" amongst their beautiful, talented ranks- unless perhaps to play Ursula, the evil and hated Sea Witch...   So I never got up the courage to apply or try out to become one of their incredible, glittering mermaids.  ..But I kept dreaming.  

 

In 1995 I researched my first tail, after hearing that the seamstress who worked w/Weeki Watchee would make people tails of their own.  I called up for prices, learned what measurements I'd need, but again at eighteen, I could neither afford one, or see myself being accepted as a mer at that time.  And it never, ever donned on me that I could possibly make my own.  As it had always been, I simply swam with my feet together as I'd done since childhood, or once in a while bound my ankles together with a scrunchie, but that was as close as I ever got.  Still, over the years, I continued to dream.  It was the fondest dream of my heart, and one that would never let go.  So I frequented sites online like MerNet.com, drew mermaids all over the place, fell in love with mermaid songs, found every waterling movie I could, and found solace in the waves- be they by my local pool or those precious, few encounters with the ocean...

 

And then one day around 2009 I found a video that quietly, explosively changed my whoooole life.  It was "A Fat Rant" by an actress named Joy Nash.  It helped me realize that "fat" is NOT a four-letter-word, that it is, like any other adjective, just a descriptor, and that reminded me that life is far, faaaaaaar too short to let ANY 3-letter word stop me from living my life or pursuing my dreams.  It simply rocked my whole world.. and I'd recommend to everyone and -ANYONE- who ever had even an OUNCE of body image issues.  (Which, in this day and age, kinda means everyone. :\)  That video (and later series) gave me the courage to take my first real set of bellydance classes, which again, opened up my whoooooole world.  People like to say that they've been "bitten by the bellydance bug."  ..Where I, I tend to joke that I wasn't bitten- the bellydance bug simply swallowed me whole. :)  Through bellydance I found a HUGE sisterhood of AMAZING people, and during that time (and through Tumblr), I discovered a thing called the body-positivity movement, and again, my world was rocked.  -In the very, very best possible ways.

 

Because of the courage and confidence, self-love and esteem I was finding through bellydance, I began to consider pursuing my dreams of showing the world my TRUE self.. my mermaid self.  But.. would merfolk have the same body-positive, sisterly/supportive family vibe as that within the bellydance community..?  I had no idea.  So finding my tail was simply an inkling that I twiddled with in the back of my brain, only toying with the idea because I was still somewhat afraid that no one would EVER accept a fat mermaid...  But as I researched the Pacific Northwest as a new place to live (for its AMAZING bellydance community, its thriving arts culture and marvelous public transportation, I learned that there was a pod of merfolk here.. and some of them *gasp* were FLUFFY merfolk!  O.O  -And that was the moment that I knew this place would be Right for me.  Everything else made this area seem magical and wonderful.. but with this revelation, it was like the Universe was saying "YES.  You've found your new space."

 

So I moved, and found many marvelous things to do in my new home.  I kept in touch with my local pod and hoped to find local events, but nothing really happened until one day someone posted about appearing at Faerieworlds 2014 amidst a Cove of volunteer merfolk.  And that's when I decided to jump in and -finally- manifest my tail.  I had been wanting to attend Faerieworlds for YEARS, and now that I was in the land of FW (w/Eugene being not far away), it seemed finaly Time.  I scrounged what money I could and bought my first tail, and from there, the rest is History. :)  Thanks to Una's Traveling Fanta-Sea Cove and their appearance at Faerieworlds I found my flukes for the very first time, and with teary eyes & a lump in my throat, all I can once again say that that moment truly changed my life.  YES, the mermaiding community -does- have members within it who view the community as a family, and who offer unconditional love and support.. and I had found that through Una's Cove.  At last I was no longer an outsider in my new city, and I felt like I had -truly- found my "people.." my pod. ^_^   And through their love & support, I fiiinally let the world see a part of myself which was just waiting.. brimming under the surface to spring out.. for so very, very long.  They helped me manifest my mermaid self.  -And for that I will always, ALWAYS be grateful.  ^_^  It was like someone had finally lit a light inside of me, and I was finally Whole. ^_^

 

Since then I have shared my fins with others at -every- possible opportunity; volunteering with Una's Traveling Fanta-Sea Cove at various events around the Portland, Oregon area. :)  (Yep, that's right- we do this allll for free!), but , soon I look forward to making this a full-time career. ^_^   (On stage, in the sound-studio, at various events and beyond.)  Now that I've gotten my fins wet, I am determined that this is all JUST the beginning! ^_^  As a mermaid I can incorporate my skills as a singer, dancer, performer, crafter, a lover of language and poetry, and soooo very much more, and it's an adventure which I NEVER plan to stop exploring. ^_^  From here on out the world is my oyster, and I am to share the magick of body-positivity, self-love, environmental awareness and SO much more with every BODY I meet. ^_^  You really CAN pursue your dreams, no matter WHO you are.   No matter your race, gender, disability, body size, economic status.  NEVER stop pursuing what brings you the truest joy.  Life too short to do anything else!   All you have to do is learn to love who YOU are, find your own pod, and have the courage to BELIEVE.  

DREAMS REALLY CAN COME TRUE.

 

I'm living proof. ;)

♥